WHY DO I FEEL LIKE CRYING????

Wian, you need to go home (not really), because I am going to look like E.T. by the time you leave. I cannot remember when I last cried so much. As a rule, I do not cry for myself, but I can cry my heart out for other people or if I see something beautiful. Some people will ask why?. In my situation - people hardened my heart.

After last nights service, I still feel like crying all the time. I think it is because I looked at myself in the mirror. I did not like what I saw.

Wian said we must not isolate ourselves from other people. I realised that I am in a routine of getting up, going to work, going back home, and start again by getting up. Every second Saturday, my youngest and I go for our facial waxes and every Sunday it is church occupying my time for an hour or two. Wow, what do you see? I don't see any friends. I have lost all my friends down the road (I presume I was too busy with my studies, work and family).

I realised another thing, I am lonely. My husbands friend come and see him quite often. I have only my children, grandchild and the most important one, God, in my life.

I realised another thing, if I had real friends, I would have handled the problem that I have had differently. Maybe I would not have been so patient, or maybe I would have been more patient. The fact is, after this services, I realised that I messed up. I allowed my children to stop going to church, because the woman causing the problems is such a big "Christian". Instead of telling them that we are all human, I crucified her for messing up my life, as well as my children's lives.

I have asked God to forgive me, but you know what, I forgot to forgive my husband. Although I said I forgave him, I did not acquitted him. I think if I can do that, the trust factor will come back into our lives.

Wian said that we need a friend we can talk to. A friend that is worthy of your trust and one who will not tell everybody what you discussed with him/her. I realised that I need to make friends again, and make time to interact with that friends. I need to cry about my own heartaches and pain. For that, I am going to need a friends shoulder to cry on.

I want you all to pray that God will give me the knowledge and insight as to how to forgive myself totally, the ones who made me unhappy for the last 10 months, and to open my eyes if there is somebody or something else that I forgot about. It is my wish to do that, but I am not really sure how to do that. Do I go to that person (although I never said something) and tell him/her that I forgive them? Will they know what it is all about? They still think as friends, they have a right to do what they do. I said to God that I surrender, but is that enough. Isn't there anything else that I need to do?

He said that we must not have secrets. Wow, what would I give just to be able to talk to my husband about our finances and other stuff, without ending up with one huge fight. He still think that I must save (tell that to somebody who battle to survive). He still think that we can spend the money as we used to. He forget the fact that my salary is nearly half of what I use to get. How do you communicate with someone like that?

I must say, the devil is sooooooo busy in my household. My husband was impressed with Wian and his music. If you know the kind of music my husband likes, this is a big wow factor. I cannot even play my gospel music around him, because it is "depressing". We could not wait to go to the services, but I think the devil saw the attitude change in my husband.

Last night, when I got home - guess what - two of his friend pitched up with alcohol (as a rule, he never drink during the week) and spend the evening with him. He did not go to church. I went all by myself. He wanted to go to the service for the men this morning. They (his friends) decided to go to JHB at six and not at seven as discussed. I said to him he must go with his own car, but he decided to go with them. The devil won this round, but he must know, I am on his case with my husband. I pray that my husband will see him for who he is and fight him.

You know, Wian said that God will do anything for you. I could not help but thinking why do I allow situations as the above to sidetrack me? I had to pray a lot last night, because at first I could not concentrate on the sermon. Thank God for helping me - especially with getting rid of all the things that I need to give to Him.

I want you all to pray for my daughter. She is an art student and in line for an apprenticeship at the college. At this stage, she definitely qualify, but if management say it must be AA, then she will not get it. Her heart is in it, but if it is not God's will for her to get the apprenticeship, then she must accept it, for He will have something better in line.

With three very artistic children in the house - it can spell disaster - especially because their dad do not think that they will be able to earn a salary with their art. Please pray for a mind change in him.